Let's talk about Tough Love...

I’m often contacted by readers who ask me to examine a different therapy or viewpoint on anxiety, and I always try to have an open mind.  Some of them have heard about a therapy that interests them, and they want to know my opinion. Some have varying viewpoints that they want to debate.  And then sometimes, some of them introduce me to a new concept that simply blows my mind.  This week, I experienced the latter.  A gentleman contacted me on my Facebook page and asked me to read an article written by his wife.  I won’t lie…the article immediately put me on the defensive, and I was in no way feeling receptive towards the ideas she proposed.

The author, Thora, suggests that tough love might be instrumental in helping an anxiety-ridden mate.  In the article, she refers to herself as “someone that tends to push, tease or cajole” her husband to be the man she knows he can be.  I think I immediately zeroed in on the word “tease” because I am highly sensitive about being teased myself.  I feel that being teased about anxiety only serves to lower the sufferer’s confidence, which leads to more anxiety.  It’s a vicious circle that I, myself, have experienced at the hands of loved ones.  Had it come from my husband, I’m not sure that my confidence could have recovered from that blow.  Although I read the article in its entirety, I don’t think I absorbed as much as I could have.  I replied to the gentleman who had sent me the link, and my answer was pretty much “no way, no how!”  I stated that I vehemently disagreed with her methods.  Then he sent me a few links to some research indicating that constructive criticism and some gentle tough love (now there’s a paradox!) might actually be helpful in treating anxiety disorders.

I know that being defensive about my anxiety is a problem I struggle with, and sometimes it bests me.  This time, I stepped back and recognized that I was being defensive, and I tried to lower my guard.  I reread the original article and allowed the writer’s words to sink in.  Did I really disagree, or was I simply balking at that thought of being treated with anything less than kid gloves?  I usually find that whenever my hackles are immediately raised, there’s usually some truth somewhere that I don’t want to acknowledge.  I dove into the research provided.

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help” by Richard E. Zinbarga, Jeong Eun Lee, and Lira Yoon is the main article that I delved into.  That’s quite a name for an article, isn’t it??  And I’ll be honest, it was no walk in the park to read, either.  I am a layperson, and I have no experience or education in psychology outside of my own limited experiences and research.  Nonetheless, I was able to grasp the main concepts of the article.  The article references several studies that seemingly point to non-hostile criticism as an indicator of successful recovery in patients dealing with a variety of anxiety disorders. 

My first thought was “come on!  There’s no such thing as ‘non-hostile’ criticism!”  But of course, there is.  I call it “tough love” and I know that it’s valid it many situations and circumstances.  But is it really valid when dealing with a person who already feels fragile and has a low sense of self-confidence?  (I’m making an assumption here that most people with anxiety also experience low self-confidence, because anxiety itself robs the sufferer of their independence and confidence in their own abilities.)  Well, I’d have to conclude that yes, it is valid for the anxious person as well. 

I need to stress here that there is a BIG difference between bullying or making fun of someone and trying to support them through firm guidance and constructive critiques.  That being said…yes, it’s valid to use tough love as a treatment method for support people to use.  As a matter of fact, I reference this in my Guide for Support People.  One of my suggestions is for the support person to attend some counseling sessions with the sufferer in order to learn how to be supportive without actually hindering progress.  It’s a tightrope walk to be sure, and I don’t envy the support people who live with the constant goal of being there for their loved one without being too accommodating. 

My husband, God bless him, is the most supportive person I know.  He has been absolutely instrumental in my recovery process.  Nonetheless, he has struggled with finding the right balance between being supportive without indulging me too much.  He adores me, and while I feel blessed beyond compare for that gift, it also means that gives in to me much too easily.  Frankly, I don’t particularly like to work on my exposure therapy.  It’s hard, tense, scary work.  If I simply beg off, he’s usually inclined to let me.  He wants me to be happy, and he wants me to feel good.  In the long run, that doesn’t help me to make any progress towards living the life I want to live.  I understand his motivation…it would be hard to encourage him to do something he didn’t want to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one dealing with this disorder. 

So to my reader, the one who suggested that some tough love may be in order at times, I say this: thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to something I’ve been avoiding (but knew all along needed to happen.)  I think some tough love may be due for me in certain situations.  And I ask my other readers: how do you feel about the concept of tough love? 

References:

“Loving someone with Social Anxiety Disorder.”

Author: Thora

Found at:

http://www.sociophobics.com/loving-someone-with-social-anxiety-disorder/

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help.”

Authors: Richard E. Zinbarg (a,b), Jeong Eun Lee (a), K. Lira Yoon (a)

(a) Psychology Department, Northwestern University, 102 Swift Hall, Evanston, IL 60208-2710, USA

(b) The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201, USA

Found at: http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/49%20%20%20ZLeeYoon%282007%29%20%282%29.pdf

Lynn Grocott discusses Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

Have you ever wondered what Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is all about?  Basically, it's a technique that helps to uncover subconscious thoughts and emotions in order to alter them.  NLP teaches that you can choose which emotions you embrace.  I recently had the pleasure of talking to Lynn Grocott, who is an NLP Master Practitioner and a confidence coach.  Lynn has blown me away with her amazing resilience and her determination to live life on her own terms (despite immense challenges and struggles.)  Here, she talks about the basics of NLP, and why she is so passionate about it.  

"In 2004,  i found myself wanting to live instead of just survive.  I had found myself facing many challenges, including the suicide of both parents, living with multiple sclerosis and much more. I was living like a victim and was using the challenges to stop me from living to my true potential. 

It was at this time I discovered NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).  I was so impressed I trained first as an NLP Practitioner, and finally as an NLP Master Practitioner.  From 2004 until now, I have done more with my life than ever, including raising £11,000 to build a mother and baby unit out in Cameroon, training as a professional speaker, becoming a published author, and coach and trainer. 

So what is NLP?  Basically NLP enables you to control your own thoughts and behaviours.  It gives you the tools you need to discover your own inner resources. It enables you to control your own destiny.  Most importantly, it teaches you that you can access confidence to do the things you have always wanted to do.

Imagine going into a shop with lots of bottles on the shelves, and each of the bottles is labeled as an emotion.  For instance, there is a bottle with the word love on it, one with the word happiness on it, one with confidence on it, and another one with joy on it. The shop is stacked from floor to ceiling with a wonderful selection of bottles, each containing a positive emotion. How good would it be if you could pick up the bottles and take out whichever emotion you wanted for the situation you are finding yourself in right now? Well, the great news is that you can choose emotions, you can access feelings, and you can experience positive over negative! You can replace anxiety with calm, and you can choose confidence whenever you feel you need to. 

Anchoring is a fantastic tool and it allows you to access emotions straight away.  For those out there wanting more confidence, go back in your mind to the last time you felt confident.  See clearly the picture of yourself being confident full on.  Notice where you were, who you were with.  Notice the colours around you.  See how you stood or sat, how you spoke, notice how you sounded, how you felt inside.  Really bring everything clearly to mind, and as you do so you will notice yourself experiencing the feelings you relate to confidence.  Now when you notice that the confidence is starting to well up, choose a trigger action.  Some people squeeze a thumb and finger together, some people push their tongue against their teeth, some people press their foot against the floor...choose something which is right for you.   When the feeling you relate to confidence is full on use your trigger action, and as the feeling subsides, let the trigger action go.  Repeat this over and over again for twenty one days, and you will only have to do the trigger action in order to access confidence. 

You can use this tool to access any emotion. How great is it to know you can access emotions?"

You can learn more about NLP and Lynn Grocott at:  http://www.thelynngrocottacademy.bravehost.com/

I want to thank Lynn for taking the time to discuss her life's work and passion.  It's so amazing to meet people who have overcome immense obstacles and still find joy in the journey!  I hope my readers found this as informative as I did!  If you have any questions about NLP or Lynn, please contact her at Grocott3@aol.com.

Guide for Support People

This is a guide for support people. If you're trying to support someone you love who is dealing with an anxiety disorder, then please take the time to read this! The first thing I want to say is a heartfelt thank you. Perhaps someone close to you is dealing with anxiety, and you have chosen to support them on their journey to healing. That is incredible! This resource is for you to better understand how to be supportive of your loved one.

A Guide for Support People

*Anxiety is real.
- The person you love isn't going crazy, nor are they making anything up. The fear and panic that a person feels is as real to them as it would be for you if you were standing two feet away from a hungry bear or in the path of an oncoming tornado. For you, your system works correctly and creates fear appropriately according to the situation. For someone with anxiety, his or her system is constantly creating fear even when there is no emergency.

*There is NO timetable for recovery.
- Recovery is different for each and every person, and it should never be assumed that someone will recover according to a predetermined schedule.

*Educate yourself.
- Take the time to look into the anxiety disorder or disorders that your loved one is suffering from. Learn about the symptoms, common treatments, relaxation therapies, and medications available.

*Don't make the situation worse.
- If you are with the person as they experience panic, do not try to talk them out of it. Don't belittle them or accuse them of overreacting. Try to distract them, encourage them, and support them. Acknowledge their fears and emotions. Remain a calm presence and assure them that the panic attack will not hurt them and that it will eventually end.

*Celebrate progress.
- While making it to the end of the block or going grocery shopping may not seem like progress to you, it may be a huge step forward for them. Praise and celebrate each baby step. Recovery is a slow and difficult journey, and each accomplishment is a victory.

*Don't ever force exposure.
- If someone avoids a situation or place that they fear, never force them to confront that fear. You can encourage and offer support, but forcing him or her to expose themselves can actually make the fear worse. Allow the person to retreat when they ask to.

*Understand that anxiety can mimic serious medical conditions. - Symptoms of anxiety and panic can often mimic symptoms of serious and even life-threatening conditions. Do not berate the person for seeking medical attention for symptoms that scare them.

*Seek counseling
- Encourage your loved one to seek counseling if you notice that anxiety is beginning to overwhelm him or her. Attend counseling with them as needed to learn more, lend support, and encourage participation. A counselor will also help you to learn how to walk the fine line of being supportive without being so helpful that you hinder progress.

*Treat your loved one as an important and valid person.
- Anxiety can leave the sufferer feeling helpless, dependent, and depressed. Do everything you can to assure him or her that anxiety does not make them any less important to you. They may need reassurance that you still view them as adult counterparts, not children to be cared for.

*Take care of YOU.
- Supporting someone with anxiety can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Often, support people struggle with frustration because they feel helpless to change the situation. Accept that you cannot change it. You can only be there for him or her, and allow them to recover at their own pace. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself and treat yourself well.

The Search for "Real" Happiness

I've been searching for "real" happiness pretty much all my life.  I've spent far too much time comparing my everyday experiences to the moments that I thought were the benchmark of happy people.  Moments.  Moments, to me, were...Christmas morning, birthday celebrations, vacations, the intoxicating rush of a new love, the "I do" from the one you love with all your heart, a baby born...all those moments that seemed to define real happiness.  

After 36 years, I'm learning that those are not the moments that bring real happiness.  Indeed, the moments that bring real happiness are the everyday moments that you experience and think nothing of at the time.  I was confusing events with moments, and considering events as the only way to be happy.  Everything else was just a time filler in between the events...days, weeks, and months marked off the calendar just waiting for the next rush of happiness to be found at the next big day.  The chase was making me anxious and leaving me thoroughly exhausted, and I was missing out on most of my life just waiting for the few events that I believed to be the very best, the most intoxicating, the happiest.  

Don't get me wrong...all of those big days and special events have their place, and it's an amazing place.  I'll never forget the first time I kissed the first man I ever loved...my husband.  I'll never forget when my husband looked into my eyes and said "I Do" with his eyes glistening.  Though it hasn't happened yet, I know I won't ever forget the moment when I first lay eyes on our beautiful baby.  And those vacations, and birthdays, and Christmas mornings?  They are precious memories.  

But in the end, when I look back on my life, it's the little moments that actually meant the most.  It's laying my head in my husband's lap and crying when I'm at my breaking point and just need someone to tell me it's okay...and he tells me that it will be.  It's when I'm all alone at the edge of the ocean and I breathe in the smell of salty air and possibilities.  It's when my little nephew tells me a really corny joke and then laughs the laugh of a thirteen year old that is growing up faster than I want him to.  It's when I step into an elevator by myself and ride it to the floor I need to get to, and I don't panic.  It's when I create a scrapbook page that I know will live on and tell our stories when I'm long gone.  It's when I write, and reread my words, and realize that my very soul has been poured onto the page for the whole world to see.  It's when I realize I'm okay with the whole world seeing those words.  

It's when someone writes me and says that because of my page, they don't feel so alone in their battle with anxiety anymore.  

Those are the moments that make me happy.  It's a very different feeling than what I experience during those big events...it's more of a quiet, peaceful feeling.  During the events, it's as if a wave is crashing over me and engulfing me in it.  I feel as overwhelmed by them as I do happy, and then there is the crash afterwards when the event is over and it's back to my day-to-day life.

The moments?  They're...different.  It's as if I'm being covered in a warm blanket, and the happiness sneaks up slowly.  It's a peaceful feeling of contentment that settles into my soul, not at all abrasive or overwhelming, but lovely and calm.  And when I slow down, I realize it's there...the happiness.  It's there.  And it's everything I always wanted it to be.

What about you?  Do you define happiness?  Does the search for it define you?  

0 to 60... And stuck in a hospital!

I've always been a restless person...I can't actually remember a time when I wasn't.  When I decide to take on a new project, I don't start small, I go all out.  When I plan a party, I can't leave it at some streamers and a cake; I have to have favors, themed decor, and an entire spread of food large enough to feed an army.  When I take up a new hobby, I don't buy a piece or two of the necessary equipment and then see if I like it; I buy everything they make, set up a project station, and read everything I can get my hands on about it.  When I start cleaning a room in my house, I don't just pick up, dust, and vacuum; I have to open all the drawers and rearrange them, move furniture around, and organize everything.  This seems to be a theme in my life.  I've had around 40 jobs in my lifetime, and I'm only 36!  Once I master my duties, which happens quickly because I don't stop until I know exactly how to do what I need to do, I find myself completely bored to tears and end up quitting.  My husband likes to say I go from 0 to 60 without taking a breath in between, and he's right.

Well my 0 to 60 attitude has gotten me into trouble again, and this time it landed me in the hospital for an overnight stay.  I know the importance of a proper diet and exercise, and I know how my anxiety reacts when I don't take care of myself.  In the past, I've been able to blow this off by coming up with a million excuses, but I don't take AAMH lightly.  I know there are thousands of people reading my posts every day, and I take that as a serious commitment.  I decided it was time to get serious about my health, and I didn't want to be a hypocrite and tell people the importance of doing something that I wasn't doing myself.  I'm pretty overweight right now (thanks to Lexapro and comfort food!) and I'm also rather sedentary.  I decided to get off my duff and start working out, and...well...I went 0 to 60 as usual.  I broke out my workout DVDs and chose two that I like.  By day three, I did Leslie Sansone's 4 mile walking video.  

Let me assure you now if you aren't aware...that is not purely a walking video.  It's got interval training, and the intervals are fast jogging.  There are lunges and squats, arm exercises and leg work.  It's intense...especially for someone who hasn't been exercising!  Well, I pulled a muscle in my chest.  I guess it would be considered the muscle right under the breast bone...I don't know.  All I know is that it hurts!  I went into the ER to ask for a muscle relaxer, and they immediately worried that it was my heart.  Now having had health anxiety in the past, and still a little bit today, this might have really freaked me out.   But this time, I knew it was a pulled muscle, and I knew I was just fine.  Nonetheless, they wanted to check me out thoroughly...better safe than sorry.

After a chest X-ray, an EKG, a stress test, two blood tests, and a miserable night in the hospital, the diagnosis is...a pulled muscle.  A few days of rest and I should be a-okay.  Nonetheless, that little visit has impressed upon me the importance of several things.  A) I need to be in better shape.  B) I need to slow down and allow my body to get used to the new movements I'm subjecting it to.  C) Hospital gowns are not attractive.  :)

And last, but most important, is the fact that I have an amazing body that I am taking for granted.  It does amazing things every day, and it does what I need it to do.  I've been taking that for granted, and all of this has reminded me what a gift and a blessing my health is.  I want to make sure I do everything I can to honor my body and treat it well.  

The Misadventures of a Full-Time Perfectionist

If there was ever a book written about my life, the title of this entry should be the title of said book. I'm many things, of course, but being a perfectionist seems to be a central theme for me. Interestingly enough, I've learned that perfectionism is trait shared by many of us dealing with an anxiety disorder! Perfectionism, while it sounds relatively harmless, is actually a parasite; it will drain you of every bit of peace you have.

From my own observations, I've noticed two kinds of perfectionists: the ones who do it over and over again until it meets with their standards, and the ones who never start at all because they know it won't meet their standards. Both end up miserable, no matter which kind of perfectionist they are. Personally, I'm the latter. I don't start things because I know that the end result will not be in line with my ideal, and the disappointment leads to a "why even bother" attitude. It's a vicious circle, and it can leave the perfectionist feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Are you recognizing yourself as one of the perfectionists I've described?

As I'm getting older, I'm learning to recognize the value in completing something, with or without it being perfect. I'm not saying it's always easy! It's most certainly difficult for me to leave a task or project without having it exactly the way my perfectionist tendencies would prefer! But for several reasons, I'm really tackling my issues with this. A) I'll be a mom one day soon, and I don't want to pass this on to my child. I also think it's important to teach little ones about the value of finishing what you start, regardless of how you feel about it. B) I have things to do, and an obligation to do them. When I commit to something, I need to follow through. I take this from the value based living found in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The value I hold dearly is to be a woman of integrity, and I live my life in ways that will support and affirm that value. Which means...of course...that my perfectionism must take a backseat. It doesn't matter who I made the commitment to, either. I consider a commitment to myself as serious and as important as a commitment to someone else.

Putting this into action, I simply identify when I'm being a perfectionist. If I'm doing something (or not bothering to do something), then I think about what the perfectionist in me would be prefer to see. When I have that image, I bring it down a few notches to a reasonable, doable level. Once I've achieved that level, I don't allow myself to continue nit-picking and fault-finding my work. What's done is done, and it's good enough. (And believe me, I have to actually tell myself that as I walk away! It's not easy, but it can be done.)

So talk to me. Are you a perfectionist? Which kind? Are you willing to walk away from something when it's "good enough" today?

Don't leave me alone!

Ahhh, how I dread this post. That's exactly how I know it needs to be written! If I would rather walk over hot coals than write about something, then that's what I need to write about. And today, it's about being alone. I run an anxiety page on FB, and I have a website, yes...but I am in no way fully healed. I don't actually believe in "healing" per say...I believe in learning to live with anxiety and without fear of the fear. Nonetheless, it's all a journey and I'm still on mine.

Over the past year, thanks to hard work, my counselor, and a low dose of Lexapro, my world has opened up once again. I'm able to do things I couldn't have imagined a year ago, and it's so liberating and exhilarating! But I still have a problem with being alone, and sometimes it seems as if the fight will overtake me. I had my very first panic attack when I was home alone, so that is a huge trigger for me. I'm afraid that if I'm alone, no one will be there to save me if something happens. Remember my previous post on shapeshifting? Well it has reared its ugly head in this regard, too. Once I began to feel a little more comfortable with the thought of being alone and possibly having a panic attack, the fear shifted. I was beginning to think "hey, I can handle a panic attack! I don't need anyone to be with me!" As soon as that thought began to take root, a new fear took its place. "What if I pass out?!"

Passing out seems to be the new fear that permeates my thoughts all the time. Oh, isn't anxiety such a wicked little beast? I tried so hard to work through this new fear, and I was coming close! I was close to being able to say "well if I pass out, no big deal! I'll come to eventually!" Then my anxiety whispered in my ear once again..."yeah, but what if you pass out and hit your head? What if no one is there to help you, Tracy? What if no one is there to save you?" Like I said, it's a wicked little beast. What's even worse is that I actually know the truth! I know that I'm not going to pass out! I've had anxiety for a long time now, and I've done buckets of research. I've met thousands of people with anxiety. I've seen several counselors, all with experience in anxiety disorders. Never once, in all that time and through all my research and experience, have I ever heard of anyone passing out from anxiety. It just doesn't happen!

So why, of why, do I let the what-ifs convince me otherwise? It's almost like I'm at the point of healing, and my anxiety is fighting tooth and nail to keep its claws in me...almost like it knows how close I am. Some days I refuse to let it win, and other days I just don't seem to have it in me. But that's not really true, is it? If it's in me sometimes, it's in me all the time. I just may need to work harder some days to access it. What's more, I'm the one who dictates which days I need to fight harder, because it's my own choices that make it that way. Perhaps I've indulged in too much caffeine or junk food (which definitely irritates my system and provides a veritable playground in my brain for the anxiety to just go wild.) Maybe I didn't get to bed early enough (lack of sleep, for me at least, makes me vulnerable.) Or it could be that I'm allowing the negative and what-if thinking to take hold. Whatever it is, it's my own doing.

So on those days when I need to work harder, what's stopping me? I know what I need to do, and I even know how to do it. I'm a fairly intelligent woman. I'm certainly determined to live free from the boundaries that anxiety wants to place on my life. I'm definitely strong enough. Do you know why? Do you have a guess? My guess is: change. I hate it. I loathe it with a passion. I would rather eat rusty nails than to be exposed to change...sometimes even good change. But working on my anxiety on the hard days, well that's not exactly good change, is it? It's change that takes hard work, mental focus, and a tough it out attitude. I've been working on accepting change as natural and inevitable, because it is both. I'm working on allowing change to be something viewed as neutral instead of negative. Still, it's not so easy on the hard days.

What about you? What's difficult for you to accomplish on the hard days?