Let's talk about Tough Love...

I’m often contacted by readers who ask me to examine a different therapy or viewpoint on anxiety, and I always try to have an open mind.  Some of them have heard about a therapy that interests them, and they want to know my opinion. Some have varying viewpoints that they want to debate.  And then sometimes, some of them introduce me to a new concept that simply blows my mind.  This week, I experienced the latter.  A gentleman contacted me on my Facebook page and asked me to read an article written by his wife.  I won’t lie…the article immediately put me on the defensive, and I was in no way feeling receptive towards the ideas she proposed.

The author, Thora, suggests that tough love might be instrumental in helping an anxiety-ridden mate.  In the article, she refers to herself as “someone that tends to push, tease or cajole” her husband to be the man she knows he can be.  I think I immediately zeroed in on the word “tease” because I am highly sensitive about being teased myself.  I feel that being teased about anxiety only serves to lower the sufferer’s confidence, which leads to more anxiety.  It’s a vicious circle that I, myself, have experienced at the hands of loved ones.  Had it come from my husband, I’m not sure that my confidence could have recovered from that blow.  Although I read the article in its entirety, I don’t think I absorbed as much as I could have.  I replied to the gentleman who had sent me the link, and my answer was pretty much “no way, no how!”  I stated that I vehemently disagreed with her methods.  Then he sent me a few links to some research indicating that constructive criticism and some gentle tough love (now there’s a paradox!) might actually be helpful in treating anxiety disorders.

I know that being defensive about my anxiety is a problem I struggle with, and sometimes it bests me.  This time, I stepped back and recognized that I was being defensive, and I tried to lower my guard.  I reread the original article and allowed the writer’s words to sink in.  Did I really disagree, or was I simply balking at that thought of being treated with anything less than kid gloves?  I usually find that whenever my hackles are immediately raised, there’s usually some truth somewhere that I don’t want to acknowledge.  I dove into the research provided.

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help” by Richard E. Zinbarga, Jeong Eun Lee, and Lira Yoon is the main article that I delved into.  That’s quite a name for an article, isn’t it??  And I’ll be honest, it was no walk in the park to read, either.  I am a layperson, and I have no experience or education in psychology outside of my own limited experiences and research.  Nonetheless, I was able to grasp the main concepts of the article.  The article references several studies that seemingly point to non-hostile criticism as an indicator of successful recovery in patients dealing with a variety of anxiety disorders. 

My first thought was “come on!  There’s no such thing as ‘non-hostile’ criticism!”  But of course, there is.  I call it “tough love” and I know that it’s valid it many situations and circumstances.  But is it really valid when dealing with a person who already feels fragile and has a low sense of self-confidence?  (I’m making an assumption here that most people with anxiety also experience low self-confidence, because anxiety itself robs the sufferer of their independence and confidence in their own abilities.)  Well, I’d have to conclude that yes, it is valid for the anxious person as well. 

I need to stress here that there is a BIG difference between bullying or making fun of someone and trying to support them through firm guidance and constructive critiques.  That being said…yes, it’s valid to use tough love as a treatment method for support people to use.  As a matter of fact, I reference this in my Guide for Support People.  One of my suggestions is for the support person to attend some counseling sessions with the sufferer in order to learn how to be supportive without actually hindering progress.  It’s a tightrope walk to be sure, and I don’t envy the support people who live with the constant goal of being there for their loved one without being too accommodating. 

My husband, God bless him, is the most supportive person I know.  He has been absolutely instrumental in my recovery process.  Nonetheless, he has struggled with finding the right balance between being supportive without indulging me too much.  He adores me, and while I feel blessed beyond compare for that gift, it also means that gives in to me much too easily.  Frankly, I don’t particularly like to work on my exposure therapy.  It’s hard, tense, scary work.  If I simply beg off, he’s usually inclined to let me.  He wants me to be happy, and he wants me to feel good.  In the long run, that doesn’t help me to make any progress towards living the life I want to live.  I understand his motivation…it would be hard to encourage him to do something he didn’t want to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one dealing with this disorder. 

So to my reader, the one who suggested that some tough love may be in order at times, I say this: thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to something I’ve been avoiding (but knew all along needed to happen.)  I think some tough love may be due for me in certain situations.  And I ask my other readers: how do you feel about the concept of tough love? 

References:

“Loving someone with Social Anxiety Disorder.”

Author: Thora

Found at:

http://www.sociophobics.com/loving-someone-with-social-anxiety-disorder/

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help.”

Authors: Richard E. Zinbarg (a,b), Jeong Eun Lee (a), K. Lira Yoon (a)

(a) Psychology Department, Northwestern University, 102 Swift Hall, Evanston, IL 60208-2710, USA

(b) The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201, USA

Found at: http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/49%20%20%20ZLeeYoon%282007%29%20%282%29.pdf

Lynn Grocott discusses Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

Have you ever wondered what Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is all about?  Basically, it's a technique that helps to uncover subconscious thoughts and emotions in order to alter them.  NLP teaches that you can choose which emotions you embrace.  I recently had the pleasure of talking to Lynn Grocott, who is an NLP Master Practitioner and a confidence coach.  Lynn has blown me away with her amazing resilience and her determination to live life on her own terms (despite immense challenges and struggles.)  Here, she talks about the basics of NLP, and why she is so passionate about it.  

"In 2004,  i found myself wanting to live instead of just survive.  I had found myself facing many challenges, including the suicide of both parents, living with multiple sclerosis and much more. I was living like a victim and was using the challenges to stop me from living to my true potential. 

It was at this time I discovered NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).  I was so impressed I trained first as an NLP Practitioner, and finally as an NLP Master Practitioner.  From 2004 until now, I have done more with my life than ever, including raising £11,000 to build a mother and baby unit out in Cameroon, training as a professional speaker, becoming a published author, and coach and trainer. 

So what is NLP?  Basically NLP enables you to control your own thoughts and behaviours.  It gives you the tools you need to discover your own inner resources. It enables you to control your own destiny.  Most importantly, it teaches you that you can access confidence to do the things you have always wanted to do.

Imagine going into a shop with lots of bottles on the shelves, and each of the bottles is labeled as an emotion.  For instance, there is a bottle with the word love on it, one with the word happiness on it, one with confidence on it, and another one with joy on it. The shop is stacked from floor to ceiling with a wonderful selection of bottles, each containing a positive emotion. How good would it be if you could pick up the bottles and take out whichever emotion you wanted for the situation you are finding yourself in right now? Well, the great news is that you can choose emotions, you can access feelings, and you can experience positive over negative! You can replace anxiety with calm, and you can choose confidence whenever you feel you need to. 

Anchoring is a fantastic tool and it allows you to access emotions straight away.  For those out there wanting more confidence, go back in your mind to the last time you felt confident.  See clearly the picture of yourself being confident full on.  Notice where you were, who you were with.  Notice the colours around you.  See how you stood or sat, how you spoke, notice how you sounded, how you felt inside.  Really bring everything clearly to mind, and as you do so you will notice yourself experiencing the feelings you relate to confidence.  Now when you notice that the confidence is starting to well up, choose a trigger action.  Some people squeeze a thumb and finger together, some people push their tongue against their teeth, some people press their foot against the floor...choose something which is right for you.   When the feeling you relate to confidence is full on use your trigger action, and as the feeling subsides, let the trigger action go.  Repeat this over and over again for twenty one days, and you will only have to do the trigger action in order to access confidence. 

You can use this tool to access any emotion. How great is it to know you can access emotions?"

You can learn more about NLP and Lynn Grocott at:  http://www.thelynngrocottacademy.bravehost.com/

I want to thank Lynn for taking the time to discuss her life's work and passion.  It's so amazing to meet people who have overcome immense obstacles and still find joy in the journey!  I hope my readers found this as informative as I did!  If you have any questions about NLP or Lynn, please contact her at Grocott3@aol.com.

Guide for Support People

This is a guide for support people. If you're trying to support someone you love who is dealing with an anxiety disorder, then please take the time to read this! The first thing I want to say is a heartfelt thank you. Perhaps someone close to you is dealing with anxiety, and you have chosen to support them on their journey to healing. That is incredible! This resource is for you to better understand how to be supportive of your loved one.

A Guide for Support People

*Anxiety is real.
- The person you love isn't going crazy, nor are they making anything up. The fear and panic that a person feels is as real to them as it would be for you if you were standing two feet away from a hungry bear or in the path of an oncoming tornado. For you, your system works correctly and creates fear appropriately according to the situation. For someone with anxiety, his or her system is constantly creating fear even when there is no emergency.

*There is NO timetable for recovery.
- Recovery is different for each and every person, and it should never be assumed that someone will recover according to a predetermined schedule.

*Educate yourself.
- Take the time to look into the anxiety disorder or disorders that your loved one is suffering from. Learn about the symptoms, common treatments, relaxation therapies, and medications available.

*Don't make the situation worse.
- If you are with the person as they experience panic, do not try to talk them out of it. Don't belittle them or accuse them of overreacting. Try to distract them, encourage them, and support them. Acknowledge their fears and emotions. Remain a calm presence and assure them that the panic attack will not hurt them and that it will eventually end.

*Celebrate progress.
- While making it to the end of the block or going grocery shopping may not seem like progress to you, it may be a huge step forward for them. Praise and celebrate each baby step. Recovery is a slow and difficult journey, and each accomplishment is a victory.

*Don't ever force exposure.
- If someone avoids a situation or place that they fear, never force them to confront that fear. You can encourage and offer support, but forcing him or her to expose themselves can actually make the fear worse. Allow the person to retreat when they ask to.

*Understand that anxiety can mimic serious medical conditions. - Symptoms of anxiety and panic can often mimic symptoms of serious and even life-threatening conditions. Do not berate the person for seeking medical attention for symptoms that scare them.

*Seek counseling
- Encourage your loved one to seek counseling if you notice that anxiety is beginning to overwhelm him or her. Attend counseling with them as needed to learn more, lend support, and encourage participation. A counselor will also help you to learn how to walk the fine line of being supportive without being so helpful that you hinder progress.

*Treat your loved one as an important and valid person.
- Anxiety can leave the sufferer feeling helpless, dependent, and depressed. Do everything you can to assure him or her that anxiety does not make them any less important to you. They may need reassurance that you still view them as adult counterparts, not children to be cared for.

*Take care of YOU.
- Supporting someone with anxiety can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Often, support people struggle with frustration because they feel helpless to change the situation. Accept that you cannot change it. You can only be there for him or her, and allow them to recover at their own pace. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself and treat yourself well.

The Search for "Real" Happiness

I've been searching for "real" happiness pretty much all my life.  I've spent far too much time comparing my everyday experiences to the moments that I thought were the benchmark of happy people.  Moments.  Moments, to me, were...Christmas morning, birthday celebrations, vacations, the intoxicating rush of a new love, the "I do" from the one you love with all your heart, a baby born...all those moments that seemed to define real happiness.  

After 36 years, I'm learning that those are not the moments that bring real happiness.  Indeed, the moments that bring real happiness are the everyday moments that you experience and think nothing of at the time.  I was confusing events with moments, and considering events as the only way to be happy.  Everything else was just a time filler in between the events...days, weeks, and months marked off the calendar just waiting for the next rush of happiness to be found at the next big day.  The chase was making me anxious and leaving me thoroughly exhausted, and I was missing out on most of my life just waiting for the few events that I believed to be the very best, the most intoxicating, the happiest.  

Don't get me wrong...all of those big days and special events have their place, and it's an amazing place.  I'll never forget the first time I kissed the first man I ever loved...my husband.  I'll never forget when my husband looked into my eyes and said "I Do" with his eyes glistening.  Though it hasn't happened yet, I know I won't ever forget the moment when I first lay eyes on our beautiful baby.  And those vacations, and birthdays, and Christmas mornings?  They are precious memories.  

But in the end, when I look back on my life, it's the little moments that actually meant the most.  It's laying my head in my husband's lap and crying when I'm at my breaking point and just need someone to tell me it's okay...and he tells me that it will be.  It's when I'm all alone at the edge of the ocean and I breathe in the smell of salty air and possibilities.  It's when my little nephew tells me a really corny joke and then laughs the laugh of a thirteen year old that is growing up faster than I want him to.  It's when I step into an elevator by myself and ride it to the floor I need to get to, and I don't panic.  It's when I create a scrapbook page that I know will live on and tell our stories when I'm long gone.  It's when I write, and reread my words, and realize that my very soul has been poured onto the page for the whole world to see.  It's when I realize I'm okay with the whole world seeing those words.  

It's when someone writes me and says that because of my page, they don't feel so alone in their battle with anxiety anymore.  

Those are the moments that make me happy.  It's a very different feeling than what I experience during those big events...it's more of a quiet, peaceful feeling.  During the events, it's as if a wave is crashing over me and engulfing me in it.  I feel as overwhelmed by them as I do happy, and then there is the crash afterwards when the event is over and it's back to my day-to-day life.

The moments?  They're...different.  It's as if I'm being covered in a warm blanket, and the happiness sneaks up slowly.  It's a peaceful feeling of contentment that settles into my soul, not at all abrasive or overwhelming, but lovely and calm.  And when I slow down, I realize it's there...the happiness.  It's there.  And it's everything I always wanted it to be.

What about you?  Do you define happiness?  Does the search for it define you?