Let's talk about Tough Love...

I’m often contacted by readers who ask me to examine a different therapy or viewpoint on anxiety, and I always try to have an open mind.  Some of them have heard about a therapy that interests them, and they want to know my opinion. Some have varying viewpoints that they want to debate.  And then sometimes, some of them introduce me to a new concept that simply blows my mind.  This week, I experienced the latter.  A gentleman contacted me on my Facebook page and asked me to read an article written by his wife.  I won’t lie…the article immediately put me on the defensive, and I was in no way feeling receptive towards the ideas she proposed.

The author, Thora, suggests that tough love might be instrumental in helping an anxiety-ridden mate.  In the article, she refers to herself as “someone that tends to push, tease or cajole” her husband to be the man she knows he can be.  I think I immediately zeroed in on the word “tease” because I am highly sensitive about being teased myself.  I feel that being teased about anxiety only serves to lower the sufferer’s confidence, which leads to more anxiety.  It’s a vicious circle that I, myself, have experienced at the hands of loved ones.  Had it come from my husband, I’m not sure that my confidence could have recovered from that blow.  Although I read the article in its entirety, I don’t think I absorbed as much as I could have.  I replied to the gentleman who had sent me the link, and my answer was pretty much “no way, no how!”  I stated that I vehemently disagreed with her methods.  Then he sent me a few links to some research indicating that constructive criticism and some gentle tough love (now there’s a paradox!) might actually be helpful in treating anxiety disorders.

I know that being defensive about my anxiety is a problem I struggle with, and sometimes it bests me.  This time, I stepped back and recognized that I was being defensive, and I tried to lower my guard.  I reread the original article and allowed the writer’s words to sink in.  Did I really disagree, or was I simply balking at that thought of being treated with anything less than kid gloves?  I usually find that whenever my hackles are immediately raised, there’s usually some truth somewhere that I don’t want to acknowledge.  I dove into the research provided.

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help” by Richard E. Zinbarga, Jeong Eun Lee, and Lira Yoon is the main article that I delved into.  That’s quite a name for an article, isn’t it??  And I’ll be honest, it was no walk in the park to read, either.  I am a layperson, and I have no experience or education in psychology outside of my own limited experiences and research.  Nonetheless, I was able to grasp the main concepts of the article.  The article references several studies that seemingly point to non-hostile criticism as an indicator of successful recovery in patients dealing with a variety of anxiety disorders. 

My first thought was “come on!  There’s no such thing as ‘non-hostile’ criticism!”  But of course, there is.  I call it “tough love” and I know that it’s valid it many situations and circumstances.  But is it really valid when dealing with a person who already feels fragile and has a low sense of self-confidence?  (I’m making an assumption here that most people with anxiety also experience low self-confidence, because anxiety itself robs the sufferer of their independence and confidence in their own abilities.)  Well, I’d have to conclude that yes, it is valid for the anxious person as well. 

I need to stress here that there is a BIG difference between bullying or making fun of someone and trying to support them through firm guidance and constructive critiques.  That being said…yes, it’s valid to use tough love as a treatment method for support people to use.  As a matter of fact, I reference this in my Guide for Support People.  One of my suggestions is for the support person to attend some counseling sessions with the sufferer in order to learn how to be supportive without actually hindering progress.  It’s a tightrope walk to be sure, and I don’t envy the support people who live with the constant goal of being there for their loved one without being too accommodating. 

My husband, God bless him, is the most supportive person I know.  He has been absolutely instrumental in my recovery process.  Nonetheless, he has struggled with finding the right balance between being supportive without indulging me too much.  He adores me, and while I feel blessed beyond compare for that gift, it also means that gives in to me much too easily.  Frankly, I don’t particularly like to work on my exposure therapy.  It’s hard, tense, scary work.  If I simply beg off, he’s usually inclined to let me.  He wants me to be happy, and he wants me to feel good.  In the long run, that doesn’t help me to make any progress towards living the life I want to live.  I understand his motivation…it would be hard to encourage him to do something he didn’t want to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one dealing with this disorder. 

So to my reader, the one who suggested that some tough love may be in order at times, I say this: thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to something I’ve been avoiding (but knew all along needed to happen.)  I think some tough love may be due for me in certain situations.  And I ask my other readers: how do you feel about the concept of tough love? 

References:

“Loving someone with Social Anxiety Disorder.”

Author: Thora

Found at:

http://www.sociophobics.com/loving-someone-with-social-anxiety-disorder/

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help.”

Authors: Richard E. Zinbarg (a,b), Jeong Eun Lee (a), K. Lira Yoon (a)

(a) Psychology Department, Northwestern University, 102 Swift Hall, Evanston, IL 60208-2710, USA

(b) The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201, USA

Found at: http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/49%20%20%20ZLeeYoon%282007%29%20%282%29.pdf