Let's talk about Tough Love...

I’m often contacted by readers who ask me to examine a different therapy or viewpoint on anxiety, and I always try to have an open mind.  Some of them have heard about a therapy that interests them, and they want to know my opinion. Some have varying viewpoints that they want to debate.  And then sometimes, some of them introduce me to a new concept that simply blows my mind.  This week, I experienced the latter.  A gentleman contacted me on my Facebook page and asked me to read an article written by his wife.  I won’t lie…the article immediately put me on the defensive, and I was in no way feeling receptive towards the ideas she proposed.

The author, Thora, suggests that tough love might be instrumental in helping an anxiety-ridden mate.  In the article, she refers to herself as “someone that tends to push, tease or cajole” her husband to be the man she knows he can be.  I think I immediately zeroed in on the word “tease” because I am highly sensitive about being teased myself.  I feel that being teased about anxiety only serves to lower the sufferer’s confidence, which leads to more anxiety.  It’s a vicious circle that I, myself, have experienced at the hands of loved ones.  Had it come from my husband, I’m not sure that my confidence could have recovered from that blow.  Although I read the article in its entirety, I don’t think I absorbed as much as I could have.  I replied to the gentleman who had sent me the link, and my answer was pretty much “no way, no how!”  I stated that I vehemently disagreed with her methods.  Then he sent me a few links to some research indicating that constructive criticism and some gentle tough love (now there’s a paradox!) might actually be helpful in treating anxiety disorders.

I know that being defensive about my anxiety is a problem I struggle with, and sometimes it bests me.  This time, I stepped back and recognized that I was being defensive, and I tried to lower my guard.  I reread the original article and allowed the writer’s words to sink in.  Did I really disagree, or was I simply balking at that thought of being treated with anything less than kid gloves?  I usually find that whenever my hackles are immediately raised, there’s usually some truth somewhere that I don’t want to acknowledge.  I dove into the research provided.

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help” by Richard E. Zinbarga, Jeong Eun Lee, and Lira Yoon is the main article that I delved into.  That’s quite a name for an article, isn’t it??  And I’ll be honest, it was no walk in the park to read, either.  I am a layperson, and I have no experience or education in psychology outside of my own limited experiences and research.  Nonetheless, I was able to grasp the main concepts of the article.  The article references several studies that seemingly point to non-hostile criticism as an indicator of successful recovery in patients dealing with a variety of anxiety disorders. 

My first thought was “come on!  There’s no such thing as ‘non-hostile’ criticism!”  But of course, there is.  I call it “tough love” and I know that it’s valid it many situations and circumstances.  But is it really valid when dealing with a person who already feels fragile and has a low sense of self-confidence?  (I’m making an assumption here that most people with anxiety also experience low self-confidence, because anxiety itself robs the sufferer of their independence and confidence in their own abilities.)  Well, I’d have to conclude that yes, it is valid for the anxious person as well. 

I need to stress here that there is a BIG difference between bullying or making fun of someone and trying to support them through firm guidance and constructive critiques.  That being said…yes, it’s valid to use tough love as a treatment method for support people to use.  As a matter of fact, I reference this in my Guide for Support People.  One of my suggestions is for the support person to attend some counseling sessions with the sufferer in order to learn how to be supportive without actually hindering progress.  It’s a tightrope walk to be sure, and I don’t envy the support people who live with the constant goal of being there for their loved one without being too accommodating. 

My husband, God bless him, is the most supportive person I know.  He has been absolutely instrumental in my recovery process.  Nonetheless, he has struggled with finding the right balance between being supportive without indulging me too much.  He adores me, and while I feel blessed beyond compare for that gift, it also means that gives in to me much too easily.  Frankly, I don’t particularly like to work on my exposure therapy.  It’s hard, tense, scary work.  If I simply beg off, he’s usually inclined to let me.  He wants me to be happy, and he wants me to feel good.  In the long run, that doesn’t help me to make any progress towards living the life I want to live.  I understand his motivation…it would be hard to encourage him to do something he didn’t want to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one dealing with this disorder. 

So to my reader, the one who suggested that some tough love may be in order at times, I say this: thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to something I’ve been avoiding (but knew all along needed to happen.)  I think some tough love may be due for me in certain situations.  And I ask my other readers: how do you feel about the concept of tough love? 

References:

“Loving someone with Social Anxiety Disorder.”

Author: Thora

Found at:

http://www.sociophobics.com/loving-someone-with-social-anxiety-disorder/

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help.”

Authors: Richard E. Zinbarg (a,b), Jeong Eun Lee (a), K. Lira Yoon (a)

(a) Psychology Department, Northwestern University, 102 Swift Hall, Evanston, IL 60208-2710, USA

(b) The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201, USA

Found at: http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/49%20%20%20ZLeeYoon%282007%29%20%282%29.pdf

Guide for Support People

This is a guide for support people. If you're trying to support someone you love who is dealing with an anxiety disorder, then please take the time to read this! The first thing I want to say is a heartfelt thank you. Perhaps someone close to you is dealing with anxiety, and you have chosen to support them on their journey to healing. That is incredible! This resource is for you to better understand how to be supportive of your loved one.

A Guide for Support People

*Anxiety is real.
- The person you love isn't going crazy, nor are they making anything up. The fear and panic that a person feels is as real to them as it would be for you if you were standing two feet away from a hungry bear or in the path of an oncoming tornado. For you, your system works correctly and creates fear appropriately according to the situation. For someone with anxiety, his or her system is constantly creating fear even when there is no emergency.

*There is NO timetable for recovery.
- Recovery is different for each and every person, and it should never be assumed that someone will recover according to a predetermined schedule.

*Educate yourself.
- Take the time to look into the anxiety disorder or disorders that your loved one is suffering from. Learn about the symptoms, common treatments, relaxation therapies, and medications available.

*Don't make the situation worse.
- If you are with the person as they experience panic, do not try to talk them out of it. Don't belittle them or accuse them of overreacting. Try to distract them, encourage them, and support them. Acknowledge their fears and emotions. Remain a calm presence and assure them that the panic attack will not hurt them and that it will eventually end.

*Celebrate progress.
- While making it to the end of the block or going grocery shopping may not seem like progress to you, it may be a huge step forward for them. Praise and celebrate each baby step. Recovery is a slow and difficult journey, and each accomplishment is a victory.

*Don't ever force exposure.
- If someone avoids a situation or place that they fear, never force them to confront that fear. You can encourage and offer support, but forcing him or her to expose themselves can actually make the fear worse. Allow the person to retreat when they ask to.

*Understand that anxiety can mimic serious medical conditions. - Symptoms of anxiety and panic can often mimic symptoms of serious and even life-threatening conditions. Do not berate the person for seeking medical attention for symptoms that scare them.

*Seek counseling
- Encourage your loved one to seek counseling if you notice that anxiety is beginning to overwhelm him or her. Attend counseling with them as needed to learn more, lend support, and encourage participation. A counselor will also help you to learn how to walk the fine line of being supportive without being so helpful that you hinder progress.

*Treat your loved one as an important and valid person.
- Anxiety can leave the sufferer feeling helpless, dependent, and depressed. Do everything you can to assure him or her that anxiety does not make them any less important to you. They may need reassurance that you still view them as adult counterparts, not children to be cared for.

*Take care of YOU.
- Supporting someone with anxiety can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Often, support people struggle with frustration because they feel helpless to change the situation. Accept that you cannot change it. You can only be there for him or her, and allow them to recover at their own pace. In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself and treat yourself well.

Shapeshifting

Have you ever heard of shapeshifting? According to Merriam-Webster, it means "a change of physical form brought about by, or as if by, supernatural means." Now personally, I don't get into the "supernatural" kind of stuff. I'm not a sci-fi kind of girl by any means...but shapeshifting certainly does have its place in my life. If you're dealing with anxiety, then it probably has a place in yours, too.

Next year will make a decade since my first panic attack, and I have watched my anxiety shift and take many different forms over the years. If I've learned anything, it's that anxiety rarely stays the same. It moves...it's fluid, and it has an eery ability to morph into different things at different times. Have you ever noticed that you "beat" one symptom, only to have another take its place? That's why I liken it to shapeshifting. For years, I was perplexed by the seemingly random onset of new symptoms after having conquered a previous one, and frustrated doesn't even begin to describe my state of mind at those times. What was I doing wrong? Why were new symptoms appearing? Was I destined to always live like that...constantly at the mercy of a never-ending stream of terrifying feelings? The thought was depressing; why bother working on something if it would just be replaced by something new?

Time, experience, and research gave me the answers that I wasn't sure I would ever have. To question why I have anxiety isn't the same as questioning how my anxiety works. I no longer ask why I have it or how long it will stay. I only concentrate on what it is, and how I can confront it. Here's what is happening when I conquer a symptoms only to have a new one take its place: I'm dealing with each symptom as it comes instead of dealing with the overall problem. Simple as that.

Think of this way: Your anxiety is the Godfather of the Mob. You keep taking out his hit men, but more keep coming. They're going to, of course, because the Godfather keeps ordering hits and finds new hit men to carry out his work. As long as you concentrate on the hit men as they come, you'll never be doing anything but spinning your wheels and living day to day. Sooner or later, you're going to have to start going after the Godfather himself; taking him down is the only way to stop the hit men from seeking you out.

Your symptoms are the hit men, of course. Your anxiety is sending the symptoms, and keeps changing them every time you master one. Oh, you mastered driving? Suddenly you can't go to the grocery store. So random, right? Not really...it's just your anxiety shapeshifting again. And no, you don't have to live like this forever. You just have to master the master...you have to take on anxiety and wrestle it to ground. So how do you do that? You stop fighting the symptoms. You stop trying to master them. You stop fearing them. YOU STOP OBEYING THEM. When you do that, you're sending a signal to your anxiety that it can send any symptom it wants...but you refuse to stop living your life when they come.

This isn't an "overnight" kind of thing, either, and I'm in no way implying that it is. It's a journey and a learning process...and I'm still on my own journey of learning how to master the master. The bottom line is that you become passionate enough to fight for your life! Fight for your right to live in peace! And always, always know that YOU have the power, not your anxiety.