Let's talk about Tough Love...

I’m often contacted by readers who ask me to examine a different therapy or viewpoint on anxiety, and I always try to have an open mind.  Some of them have heard about a therapy that interests them, and they want to know my opinion. Some have varying viewpoints that they want to debate.  And then sometimes, some of them introduce me to a new concept that simply blows my mind.  This week, I experienced the latter.  A gentleman contacted me on my Facebook page and asked me to read an article written by his wife.  I won’t lie…the article immediately put me on the defensive, and I was in no way feeling receptive towards the ideas she proposed.

The author, Thora, suggests that tough love might be instrumental in helping an anxiety-ridden mate.  In the article, she refers to herself as “someone that tends to push, tease or cajole” her husband to be the man she knows he can be.  I think I immediately zeroed in on the word “tease” because I am highly sensitive about being teased myself.  I feel that being teased about anxiety only serves to lower the sufferer’s confidence, which leads to more anxiety.  It’s a vicious circle that I, myself, have experienced at the hands of loved ones.  Had it come from my husband, I’m not sure that my confidence could have recovered from that blow.  Although I read the article in its entirety, I don’t think I absorbed as much as I could have.  I replied to the gentleman who had sent me the link, and my answer was pretty much “no way, no how!”  I stated that I vehemently disagreed with her methods.  Then he sent me a few links to some research indicating that constructive criticism and some gentle tough love (now there’s a paradox!) might actually be helpful in treating anxiety disorders.

I know that being defensive about my anxiety is a problem I struggle with, and sometimes it bests me.  This time, I stepped back and recognized that I was being defensive, and I tried to lower my guard.  I reread the original article and allowed the writer’s words to sink in.  Did I really disagree, or was I simply balking at that thought of being treated with anything less than kid gloves?  I usually find that whenever my hackles are immediately raised, there’s usually some truth somewhere that I don’t want to acknowledge.  I dove into the research provided.

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help” by Richard E. Zinbarga, Jeong Eun Lee, and Lira Yoon is the main article that I delved into.  That’s quite a name for an article, isn’t it??  And I’ll be honest, it was no walk in the park to read, either.  I am a layperson, and I have no experience or education in psychology outside of my own limited experiences and research.  Nonetheless, I was able to grasp the main concepts of the article.  The article references several studies that seemingly point to non-hostile criticism as an indicator of successful recovery in patients dealing with a variety of anxiety disorders. 

My first thought was “come on!  There’s no such thing as ‘non-hostile’ criticism!”  But of course, there is.  I call it “tough love” and I know that it’s valid it many situations and circumstances.  But is it really valid when dealing with a person who already feels fragile and has a low sense of self-confidence?  (I’m making an assumption here that most people with anxiety also experience low self-confidence, because anxiety itself robs the sufferer of their independence and confidence in their own abilities.)  Well, I’d have to conclude that yes, it is valid for the anxious person as well. 

I need to stress here that there is a BIG difference between bullying or making fun of someone and trying to support them through firm guidance and constructive critiques.  That being said…yes, it’s valid to use tough love as a treatment method for support people to use.  As a matter of fact, I reference this in my Guide for Support People.  One of my suggestions is for the support person to attend some counseling sessions with the sufferer in order to learn how to be supportive without actually hindering progress.  It’s a tightrope walk to be sure, and I don’t envy the support people who live with the constant goal of being there for their loved one without being too accommodating. 

My husband, God bless him, is the most supportive person I know.  He has been absolutely instrumental in my recovery process.  Nonetheless, he has struggled with finding the right balance between being supportive without indulging me too much.  He adores me, and while I feel blessed beyond compare for that gift, it also means that gives in to me much too easily.  Frankly, I don’t particularly like to work on my exposure therapy.  It’s hard, tense, scary work.  If I simply beg off, he’s usually inclined to let me.  He wants me to be happy, and he wants me to feel good.  In the long run, that doesn’t help me to make any progress towards living the life I want to live.  I understand his motivation…it would be hard to encourage him to do something he didn’t want to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one dealing with this disorder. 

So to my reader, the one who suggested that some tough love may be in order at times, I say this: thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes to something I’ve been avoiding (but knew all along needed to happen.)  I think some tough love may be due for me in certain situations.  And I ask my other readers: how do you feel about the concept of tough love? 

References:

“Loving someone with Social Anxiety Disorder.”

Author: Thora

Found at:

http://www.sociophobics.com/loving-someone-with-social-anxiety-disorder/

“Dyadic predictors of outcome in a cognitive-behavioral program for patients with generalized anxiety disorder in committed relationships: A ‘‘spoonful of sugar’’ and a dose of non-hostile criticism may help.”

Authors: Richard E. Zinbarg (a,b), Jeong Eun Lee (a), K. Lira Yoon (a)

(a) Psychology Department, Northwestern University, 102 Swift Hall, Evanston, IL 60208-2710, USA

(b) The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 618 Library Place, Evanston, IL 60201, USA

Found at: http://www.wcas.northwestern.edu/psych/Documents/49%20%20%20ZLeeYoon%282007%29%20%282%29.pdf

Don't leave me alone!

Ahhh, how I dread this post. That's exactly how I know it needs to be written! If I would rather walk over hot coals than write about something, then that's what I need to write about. And today, it's about being alone. I run an anxiety page on FB, and I have a website, yes...but I am in no way fully healed. I don't actually believe in "healing" per say...I believe in learning to live with anxiety and without fear of the fear. Nonetheless, it's all a journey and I'm still on mine.

Over the past year, thanks to hard work, my counselor, and a low dose of Lexapro, my world has opened up once again. I'm able to do things I couldn't have imagined a year ago, and it's so liberating and exhilarating! But I still have a problem with being alone, and sometimes it seems as if the fight will overtake me. I had my very first panic attack when I was home alone, so that is a huge trigger for me. I'm afraid that if I'm alone, no one will be there to save me if something happens. Remember my previous post on shapeshifting? Well it has reared its ugly head in this regard, too. Once I began to feel a little more comfortable with the thought of being alone and possibly having a panic attack, the fear shifted. I was beginning to think "hey, I can handle a panic attack! I don't need anyone to be with me!" As soon as that thought began to take root, a new fear took its place. "What if I pass out?!"

Passing out seems to be the new fear that permeates my thoughts all the time. Oh, isn't anxiety such a wicked little beast? I tried so hard to work through this new fear, and I was coming close! I was close to being able to say "well if I pass out, no big deal! I'll come to eventually!" Then my anxiety whispered in my ear once again..."yeah, but what if you pass out and hit your head? What if no one is there to help you, Tracy? What if no one is there to save you?" Like I said, it's a wicked little beast. What's even worse is that I actually know the truth! I know that I'm not going to pass out! I've had anxiety for a long time now, and I've done buckets of research. I've met thousands of people with anxiety. I've seen several counselors, all with experience in anxiety disorders. Never once, in all that time and through all my research and experience, have I ever heard of anyone passing out from anxiety. It just doesn't happen!

So why, of why, do I let the what-ifs convince me otherwise? It's almost like I'm at the point of healing, and my anxiety is fighting tooth and nail to keep its claws in me...almost like it knows how close I am. Some days I refuse to let it win, and other days I just don't seem to have it in me. But that's not really true, is it? If it's in me sometimes, it's in me all the time. I just may need to work harder some days to access it. What's more, I'm the one who dictates which days I need to fight harder, because it's my own choices that make it that way. Perhaps I've indulged in too much caffeine or junk food (which definitely irritates my system and provides a veritable playground in my brain for the anxiety to just go wild.) Maybe I didn't get to bed early enough (lack of sleep, for me at least, makes me vulnerable.) Or it could be that I'm allowing the negative and what-if thinking to take hold. Whatever it is, it's my own doing.

So on those days when I need to work harder, what's stopping me? I know what I need to do, and I even know how to do it. I'm a fairly intelligent woman. I'm certainly determined to live free from the boundaries that anxiety wants to place on my life. I'm definitely strong enough. Do you know why? Do you have a guess? My guess is: change. I hate it. I loathe it with a passion. I would rather eat rusty nails than to be exposed to change...sometimes even good change. But working on my anxiety on the hard days, well that's not exactly good change, is it? It's change that takes hard work, mental focus, and a tough it out attitude. I've been working on accepting change as natural and inevitable, because it is both. I'm working on allowing change to be something viewed as neutral instead of negative. Still, it's not so easy on the hard days.

What about you? What's difficult for you to accomplish on the hard days?

It's better come the morning...

I don't know why this is, but I have noticed that my anxiety decreases significantly once the sun begins to rise. When I wake up in the middle of the night or in the very early morning, I'm much more likely to feel anxious and give in to what-if thinking. I thought that perhaps it was because I'd just woken up, but that isn't true. If I wake up when it's light out, I'm fine.

So what it is about the night that triggers anxiety? I've always had a fear of the dark, but could that be playing in so significantly? The more I thought about it, the more questions I had.

I think what it comes down to is that the world is usually asleep at night. Kind of par for the course, eh? Of course people sleep at night. But for me, that means no one is awake to "save" me if I panic. What happens if I panic and pass out? Who will hear me? Who will help me?

Those darn "what-ifs" again. I've started asking myself the biggest and most important question of all: "When was the last time you passed out?" Oh. I've never, ever passed out. And what's more, I have never, ever heard of anyone passing out from panic. Not.even.once.

Yep, it's kind of hard to ignore the facts when you make yourself face them. Anxiety is such a liar! But I think what makes me maddest of all is that it's also a thief; it will steal every ounce of peace and joy you have if you let it. I can't say I adore early mornings when the world still slumbers and I am left alone with only my thoughts and my fears. I'm not sure I ever will be! But I know this much...I can do it. I can be at peace. I can live my life.

And that's really what it's all about, isn't it? Living your life regardless of how you feel about something. So the next time I'm up early, maybe I'll pop on and post. Maybe I'll turn the radio on low and dance around the living room. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll make myself a hot cup of coffee and wait for the sun to rise, enjoying the beauty that can only be found when it's dark and quiet.