Shapeshifting

Have you ever heard of shapeshifting? According to Merriam-Webster, it means "a change of physical form brought about by, or as if by, supernatural means." Now personally, I don't get into the "supernatural" kind of stuff. I'm not a sci-fi kind of girl by any means...but shapeshifting certainly does have its place in my life. If you're dealing with anxiety, then it probably has a place in yours, too.

Next year will make a decade since my first panic attack, and I have watched my anxiety shift and take many different forms over the years. If I've learned anything, it's that anxiety rarely stays the same. It moves...it's fluid, and it has an eery ability to morph into different things at different times. Have you ever noticed that you "beat" one symptom, only to have another take its place? That's why I liken it to shapeshifting. For years, I was perplexed by the seemingly random onset of new symptoms after having conquered a previous one, and frustrated doesn't even begin to describe my state of mind at those times. What was I doing wrong? Why were new symptoms appearing? Was I destined to always live like that...constantly at the mercy of a never-ending stream of terrifying feelings? The thought was depressing; why bother working on something if it would just be replaced by something new?

Time, experience, and research gave me the answers that I wasn't sure I would ever have. To question why I have anxiety isn't the same as questioning how my anxiety works. I no longer ask why I have it or how long it will stay. I only concentrate on what it is, and how I can confront it. Here's what is happening when I conquer a symptoms only to have a new one take its place: I'm dealing with each symptom as it comes instead of dealing with the overall problem. Simple as that.

Think of this way: Your anxiety is the Godfather of the Mob. You keep taking out his hit men, but more keep coming. They're going to, of course, because the Godfather keeps ordering hits and finds new hit men to carry out his work. As long as you concentrate on the hit men as they come, you'll never be doing anything but spinning your wheels and living day to day. Sooner or later, you're going to have to start going after the Godfather himself; taking him down is the only way to stop the hit men from seeking you out.

Your symptoms are the hit men, of course. Your anxiety is sending the symptoms, and keeps changing them every time you master one. Oh, you mastered driving? Suddenly you can't go to the grocery store. So random, right? Not really...it's just your anxiety shapeshifting again. And no, you don't have to live like this forever. You just have to master the master...you have to take on anxiety and wrestle it to ground. So how do you do that? You stop fighting the symptoms. You stop trying to master them. You stop fearing them. YOU STOP OBEYING THEM. When you do that, you're sending a signal to your anxiety that it can send any symptom it wants...but you refuse to stop living your life when they come.

This isn't an "overnight" kind of thing, either, and I'm in no way implying that it is. It's a journey and a learning process...and I'm still on my own journey of learning how to master the master. The bottom line is that you become passionate enough to fight for your life! Fight for your right to live in peace! And always, always know that YOU have the power, not your anxiety.

It's better come the morning...

I don't know why this is, but I have noticed that my anxiety decreases significantly once the sun begins to rise. When I wake up in the middle of the night or in the very early morning, I'm much more likely to feel anxious and give in to what-if thinking. I thought that perhaps it was because I'd just woken up, but that isn't true. If I wake up when it's light out, I'm fine.

So what it is about the night that triggers anxiety? I've always had a fear of the dark, but could that be playing in so significantly? The more I thought about it, the more questions I had.

I think what it comes down to is that the world is usually asleep at night. Kind of par for the course, eh? Of course people sleep at night. But for me, that means no one is awake to "save" me if I panic. What happens if I panic and pass out? Who will hear me? Who will help me?

Those darn "what-ifs" again. I've started asking myself the biggest and most important question of all: "When was the last time you passed out?" Oh. I've never, ever passed out. And what's more, I have never, ever heard of anyone passing out from panic. Not.even.once.

Yep, it's kind of hard to ignore the facts when you make yourself face them. Anxiety is such a liar! But I think what makes me maddest of all is that it's also a thief; it will steal every ounce of peace and joy you have if you let it. I can't say I adore early mornings when the world still slumbers and I am left alone with only my thoughts and my fears. I'm not sure I ever will be! But I know this much...I can do it. I can be at peace. I can live my life.

And that's really what it's all about, isn't it? Living your life regardless of how you feel about something. So the next time I'm up early, maybe I'll pop on and post. Maybe I'll turn the radio on low and dance around the living room. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll make myself a hot cup of coffee and wait for the sun to rise, enjoying the beauty that can only be found when it's dark and quiet.

Introducing the AAMH Blog!

Welcome! Many of my readers will start out coming from the Anxiety Ate My Homework Facebook page, so you’ll all be familiar with what the AAMH concept is. For the rest of you, I’m very glad you’re here. AAMH is for people suffering from anxiety disorders, of which there are several.

In the coming weeks and months, I’ll be expounding a little more on each of them and introducing concepts and ideas in regard to dealing with these disorders. Overall, though, this blog isn’t really about the technical bits of the disorder…that’s why I created the website. This blog is more to explore the feelings associated with anxiety.

I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder in 2003. Since then, I’ve also been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Phobias, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I first began to search for information about my condition, I was lost. There seemed to be vast amounts of information available, but none of it really touched on how it felt to have anxiety, and that’s hugely important.

The feeling of isolation is overwhelming, and the fear of being crazy is very real. I know, I’ve been there. If that’s where you’re at now, please know that you are not alone (and that you’re NOT going crazy!)

It’s going to take me some time to learn the blogging “ropes” here, so please be patient and stick with me. My goal is to make sure no one ever has to experience the isolation of anxiety again…and that’s why I’m here. AAMH started small as a Facebook page with a few hundred “likes” and has grown to a community of over 10,000. There’s now a webpage full of information, and a YouTube channel in the works.

Obviously, there’s a need for these resources! People are reaching out…and I am trying to make sure that they will always find a hand waiting when they do.

So again, I welcome you. My name is Tracy, and it’s my pleasure and honor to have you here.