Over the past year, thanks to hard work, my counselor, and a low dose of Lexapro, my world has opened up once again. I'm able to do things I couldn't have imagined a year ago, and it's so liberating and exhilarating! But I still have a problem with being alone, and sometimes it seems as if the fight will overtake me. I had my very first panic attack when I was home alone, so that is a huge trigger for me. I'm afraid that if I'm alone, no one will be there to save me if something happens. Remember my previous post on shapeshifting? Well it has reared its ugly head in this regard, too. Once I began to feel a little more comfortable with the thought of being alone and possibly having a panic attack, the fear shifted. I was beginning to think "hey, I can handle a panic attack! I don't need anyone to be with me!" As soon as that thought began to take root, a new fear took its place. "What if I pass out?!"
Passing out seems to be the new fear that permeates my thoughts all the time. Oh, isn't anxiety such a wicked little beast? I tried so hard to work through this new fear, and I was coming close! I was close to being able to say "well if I pass out, no big deal! I'll come to eventually!" Then my anxiety whispered in my ear once again..."yeah, but what if you pass out and hit your head? What if no one is there to help you, Tracy? What if no one is there to save you?" Like I said, it's a wicked little beast. What's even worse is that I actually know the truth! I know that I'm not going to pass out! I've had anxiety for a long time now, and I've done buckets of research. I've met thousands of people with anxiety. I've seen several counselors, all with experience in anxiety disorders. Never once, in all that time and through all my research and experience, have I ever heard of anyone passing out from anxiety. It just doesn't happen!
So why, of why, do I let the what-ifs convince me otherwise? It's almost like I'm at the point of healing, and my anxiety is fighting tooth and nail to keep its claws in me...almost like it knows how close I am. Some days I refuse to let it win, and other days I just don't seem to have it in me. But that's not really true, is it? If it's in me sometimes, it's in me all the time. I just may need to work harder some days to access it. What's more, I'm the one who dictates which days I need to fight harder, because it's my own choices that make it that way. Perhaps I've indulged in too much caffeine or junk food (which definitely irritates my system and provides a veritable playground in my brain for the anxiety to just go wild.) Maybe I didn't get to bed early enough (lack of sleep, for me at least, makes me vulnerable.) Or it could be that I'm allowing the negative and what-if thinking to take hold. Whatever it is, it's my own doing.
So on those days when I need to work harder, what's stopping me? I know what I need to do, and I even know how to do it. I'm a fairly intelligent woman. I'm certainly determined to live free from the boundaries that anxiety wants to place on my life. I'm definitely strong enough. Do you know why? Do you have a guess? My guess is: change. I hate it. I loathe it with a passion. I would rather eat rusty nails than to be exposed to change...sometimes even good change. But working on my anxiety on the hard days, well that's not exactly good change, is it? It's change that takes hard work, mental focus, and a tough it out attitude. I've been working on accepting change as natural and inevitable, because it is both. I'm working on allowing change to be something viewed as neutral instead of negative. Still, it's not so easy on the hard days.
What about you? What's difficult for you to accomplish on the hard days?
Yes, that sneaky little voice inside always seems to come up with another "what if...".
ReplyDeleteHave you tried Kinesiology? It has really helped me. I wish I had discovered it years ago.
~Blessings~
Joy.
No, I haven't, Joy. What is it??
DeleteI have ranges of phobias that trigger panic, and I have also learned to have ranges of panic. I compare it to being in line for a race. The first emotion is anxiety. Standing, waiting, thinking all kinds of scenarios, then you notice your body start to react with adrenaline as fight or flight kicks in and that begins my panic. The panic can range from still being in line all the way to the gun announcing the race starting (full panic attack) and anywhere in between. I live most of my life in line, and setting my feet into the blocks, just waiting, waiting, telling my head to calm down, slow my breathing, focus, distract--- anything to prevent that gun shot going off and what follows. On the hard days, I am stuck in a room, alone, because sounds, lights, any stimulation sets it off like that gun. It is difficult to breath. Difficult to count. Difficult to sit still. Difficult to live. But I know, even in the worst of panic, there will be a split moment that I am able to tell myself, "This is a panic attack. You will not die. They always pass, this will do. Breathe..." and I begin my coping skills again. So the difficult days, are a nightmare. But they are getting few and far between through the last 2 years as I expose myself to triggers a little at a time, one by one checking them off my list. You see, I find that if I get in line for a practice race and never have to experience that "gun" going off, I am able to use my coping skills to keep panic from going into a full attack, it may rise and get very close, but I am able to get it to fall. This then gives me a last memory of not the previous panic attack, but rather a time I went through it and DIDNT have one, for the next time. I call it exposure therapy. Please try it only as you see fit for each phobia.
ReplyDeleteExposing yourself to what you fear is ultimately the only way to overcome a fear. It's scary, I know, but it's truly the only way. Exposure Therapy, or some form of it, is pretty much a staple no matter what book, program, etc. you choose. You have to make sure you're ready for it, though, because it can do more harm than good if you're not.
DeleteLike you, being alone bothers me....the what if's kick in but then I get busy or remember I probably have a mental list of a few friends or family that I could phone mostly to just say hi and therefore distracting that what if cycle. I can relate to so much of your post, and the previous one on symptom shift. Not every day is a battle for me, however I have a long way to go in my management of 'it' and some days I don't even try to fight through it, I just accept that today isn't a great day and try to get on with other things instead of mentally kicking myself for not achieving..it's okay to have a down day, that then takes the pressure off me also.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that! It's perfectly okay to have a down day! And not beating yourself up over it helps keep you in a positive frame of mind to move forward.
Deletecan I have your website details please?
ReplyDeletewww.anxiety-ate-my-homework.com
DeleteAnxiety is such a terrible thing and I hate when people don't take it seriously! they act as If we have control over it. I have to admit, I don't have a huge anxiety issue but I do struggle with a few different types of anxiety. For some reason I absolutely can not handle crowded shopping centers. This has been going on for some time (I suspect it stems from when I was young, this may sound silly but my mom left my me and my younger sister at a department store once and went to run an errand. I can remember the panic that washed over me in that store. I told her we would be fine and I was excited to be trusted to shop alone, I may have been 12! then she left, and the butterflies kicked in. My stomach hurt so much, I got sweaty and queezy. This happens to this day when I go into a crowded store. Truthfully I don't even like shopping in general very much (I joke with my husband that sometimes I think that's why he married me) He tells me I have to face the fear. Easy for him to say. I also feel so bad for my poor basset hound LEO, he has severe chronic anxiety and struggles with it every day. I know a lot of people would make fun of this too, he's a dog, what does he have to be anxious about. But he is a rescue dog and has a traumatic past. So there you have it, goes back to something in his past. How is he supposed to face that? Therapy? Again, he's a dog. All I can tell you is that I've tried every drug out there for him and he is currently on a regimen of all natural St. John's wort and Melatonin. Knock on wood, week 4 and it is working PHENOMENAL! I am almost afraid to say it but he is lying beside me right now in a severe wind storm and totally relaxed. Any type of inclement weather usually sends him into full blown panic mode. This may be worth exploring for us humans too! It took 4 weeks to build up in his system but WOW!! I am impressed!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that Leo is finding success with the new meds! Yes, pets get anxiety just like people do, and it's so sad to see.
DeleteI'm not surprised you're not fond of shopping considering what you went through! But facign the fear like you're doing is the right thing to do...it's when you start avoiding something that turns it into a serious problem. Good for you!